STUDENTS VOTE TWICE

It has been discovered that many students voted twice during this year's General Election, leading to concerns that voting may be rigged.

Jeremy Corbyn was quick to dismiss such claims, stating, 'Just because some people vote more times than others does not mean the system is unfair. You have to consider that we have to offset the inequality and discrimination inherent in society and it is therefore only right - or should I say only left,' he chuckled - 'that Labour voters vote twice, or maybe even as many as three or four times.'

Diane Abbott also defended the vote. After looking at her fingers and taking off her shoes and socks, she said patronisingly, 'Look, it's not about the numbers. It's about the complex catabolisation processes that most people don't understand.'

In response, PM Theresa May (or may not) exclaimed, 'Diane Abbott!' and pulled a funny face.

Boris Johnson was more critical, saying, 'Murfle burble bwar. I barble miffiffle migumbly.' 

It is expected that the case will be settled by either trial by combat or the political parties grumbling loudly at each other in the Houses of Pariament.