Friday, 17 November 2017


In the latest sex sensation to rock Jollywood, Mr Sulu, whose only role to date, has been to play the character George Takei in various reality TV shows, has accused Captain Kirk of sexually molesting him as he tried to steer the USS Enterprise around a white dwarf.

The white dwarf in question, Kenny Baker, was unfortunately too busy rotting to be contacted, but is thought to have confirmed Mr Sulu's story. Indeed, footage of Kirk masturbating a visibly shocked Sulu has been discovered (above), which we can only play from the waist up, due to its indecent nature.

Sulu claims that he has only spoken about it now as he did not want to be accused of anti-Semitism. A spokesthingy for Kirk, William Shitner, said the Anti-Defamation League will be prosecuting Sulu for his genocidal comments and pushing for the death penalty and also the return of $6,000,000 in costs. 

Related: see our full-colour centre spread of George Takei being fisted by an eight-year-old boy exclusively in tomorrow's Dairy Male. It'll make your eyes squint!

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