In a sensational scoop, we can reveal that actors Kenny Baker and Carrie Fisher are in fact alive and well and hiding out at a backstreet bar in Benidorm. Both looked fit and well for members of the entertainment industry.
Baker had been earning money by hustling at pool until someone had cruelly taken away his rest and I forgave him as he tried to pick my pocket with his nimble little hands, yet was betrayed by his stubby fingers, just as Anakin Skywalker was once betrayed by Darth Vader.
In an exclusive interview with the Dairy Male, Baker told our interpreter through a series of beeps and whistles how he and Fisher had been lying low until the rest of the latest Star Wars series was finished.
Bag of Wank
"Let's be honest, the films are complete shit," he said. "It comes to something when R2D2 has all the best fucking lines."
At the mention of lines, Fisher rushed in, preparing to perform fellatio on whomever would produce the magic faery dust. Baker duly obliged. "Not often you get opportunity to be blown off by a princess," he gurgled.
When told, Ju-Ju Abrahams was incensed at the news. "Fuck him! Does he think he's the only dwarf actor available? Warwick Davies is twice the man he is!"
Nonetheless, Davies will find it difficult to fill Baker's boots. Getting the right twitch movements of the buttocks to produce R2's idiosynchratic squeaks and warbles remains a tall order and requires nerves of steel. A good actor, but will Davies follow through?