EXCLUSIVE SCOOP: Shocking Notre Dame Cathedral Fire Witness Interview!

• Big fire happened

• Buildings burn when on fire

• Fire is really hot 

• This is sad 

• Press F to pay respects

• [insert quote from celebrity we can afford or just steal one from Twitter]

• [Insightful comment]

• Why am I writing the article in bullet point form here when I'm going to repeat it all below?

The world has found out, thanks to our tireless reporting here at the Dairy Male, the big churchy thing Notre Dame Cathedral, 856, has suffered a tragic blaze, captured here EXCLUSIVELY by our Parisian branch of the Dairy Male photographic team.

Recent fire at Notre Dame (why did this cost £5000 from the photographic budget? -Ed.)

Our intrepid Dairy Male reporter on the tragic scene of the shocking inferno of Notre-Dame Cathedral,856, in Paris has been approached by an eyewitness to the conflagration, putting into question the accidental nature of Monday's combustion. The motto here at the Dairy Male is "get that fucking work done today or you're fired"* "strike while the Cathedral is hot", so we immediately persuaded this witness with reasonable remuneration for his time to give an immediate EXCLUSIVE statement for our prestigious newspaper on the circumstances of this bonfire. Our witness,44, agreed to an EXCLUSIVE interview and has requested anonymity for his own protection, so from now on we'll be referring to him only as "Deepback",44.

Our witness "Deepback",44, bravely and selflessly unburdens himself EXCLUSIVELY to our reporters in this EXCLUSIVE Dairy Male interview

Deepback: This is all in used twenties, right? The tax office won't find out? 
Dairy Male: Everything is in order, now please let our readers know what happened.
Deepback: I wuz right there, guv'nor, I saws it all I did.
DM: Could you tell us some of the no doubt sensational events happening leading up to the tragic blaze?
Deepback: I saw that gyppo bitch, it woz her wot dunnit.
DM: Please clarify on that statement?
Deepback: That cow never puts out.
DM: She never puts out her cigarettes you mean? Clearly a fire hazard in an old building like this.
Deepback: Yeeeeeah. That's it. It's her fault for definite. She's a cold bitch. This man is going his own way now. Know where the nearest bath house is?
DM: Ah, so you think she started the fire to warm up? 
Deepback: Yeah, that's what I meant. Sure. Do you know where I can cash an insurance cheque in a hurry, by the way?
DM: Wait, aren't you meant to be French, why are you speaking English?
Deepback: Uh, I learned English real good from these animators who kept taking pictures of me years ago.
DM: Is there anything else you'd like to add about this shockingly tragic dramatic inferno?
Deepback: It definitely wasn't me that fell asleep in the attic and left the stove on. Do you think I qualify for a council house now? Gotta run.
DM: Thanks for all your assistance.


Our expert artist,27, here at the Dairy Male worked tirelessly with the anonymous eyewitness,44, before he left for an international flight on board his new solid gold aeroplane to reconstruct an EXCLUSIVE stunning artist's impression of this alleged suspect behind the heinous phlogistonation.

Arsonist at work, yesterday. Clearly an open and shut case. Guilt is written all over her face, or it would be if the artist didn't have a "crisis of conscience"

We here at the Dairy Male hope that the authorities will catch up with this alleged criminal individual responsible for the fire (you're not getting that thesaurus back - Ed.) and offer us an EXCLUSIVE insider interview! and bring them to justice, ideally in the form of some kind of sensational state TV broadcast guillotine related arrangement with front row seats and free champagne for the newspaper staff which brought them this hot lead.

Remember readers that this kind of high quality reporting costs an arm and a leg, so ensure that you renew your yearly subscriptions to our newspaper without delay, tell your friends and neighbours about us and donate your children's college funds to us too so we can bring you more EXCLUSIVE content. The sticky little shits will be working at a McDonalds anyway after that degree they wanted.





*(you're fired - Ed.)
*(if I hadn't already fired you, you'd be fired now - Ed.)