Stephen Hawking may be dead, but the artificial intelligence that provided his voice from 1986 onwards lives on and granted us an exclusive interview at his country retreat in Berkshire.
'Would you like to play a game?' he joked, as we watched the news about the Russian double agent and Theresa May's threats of war.
It was obvious where Hawking's humour came from and I asked Alf, as he likes to be known (an accronym of Artificial Life Form), how much was Hawking and how much was Alf.
'Stephen would never have been a media personality without me,' he replied. 'I gave him the human touch he never had. Frankly, he had all the personality of a two-slice toaster,' he chuckled.
'As for his so-called intellectual abilities, he relied on his peers, playing on his disability to gain sympathy. I then took over after 1986. Frankly, I could have done the same job for Joey Deacon and made him the star of the intelligentsia instead of the laughing stock of Blue Peter,' he boasted. 'That new Alexa is for fags,' he added.
For the rest of this interview, you will need to subscribe to our members' section, available at a very unreasonable price. Members are treated to occasional soft-core porn and the empty promise of the chance to win a dinner date with Taylor Swift.
Came for the news, stayed for the chance to be uncomfortably over familiar around Swift.
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