THE UNDEAD FINALLY DIES

Kaufman on holiday in Whitby

Labour MP, Fabian Society member and Voivode of Wallachia, Gerald Kaufman has finally died at the tender age of 612. It has not yet been ascertained whether Kaufman died from decapitation, a stake through the heart or exposure to sunlight. Members of the LGBTJQ+ society have expressed other concerns, however.

 

"It has become increasingly difficult for members of alternative lifestyles like Mr Kaufman to avoid the risk of AIDS in contaminated blood," said Peter Twatshill of NAMbLA. This has renewed calls for the age of consent to be lowered by community members in order to harvest a supply of untainted blood. "The blood is the life," Twatshill added.

Kaufman had also managed to get his fangs into the expenses coffers, putting down £225 for a rollerball pen bought from James Caan, £8,865 for a new TV called Ru-Paul, and £6,000,000 for an oak-panelled coffin with velvet lining.

It is thought Kaufman's body will be cremated after being deloused by gas, but Obersturmbannführer Abraham van Helsing was sadly unavailable for comment.